Today I held in my hands a piece of paper.
As paper goes, it’s a nice piece, but as with all such things it’s the content that makes it valuable to me.
This piece of paper newly identifies me as Mr Lee Malise Hulme.
Let’s do that again – I am now Mr. Lee Hulme.
It’s step 1 of a bunch more steps. It’s the thing the gender clinic require of me, before anything else can happen. The psychologist I saw this month said she was happy to move forwards, and that meant it was time.
So I did it!
It’s not legal until I get someone to witness me signing it. Then I have to send it back to get some notarised copies made – for the bank and such. And then things with my name on it will be changed. to Mr Lee Hulme.
It feels so strange to see it there, to see it coming out of my keyboard, to hear it coming out of my mouth. I spent so long in the dark, trying to be a girl, trying to find ways to be what I always knew I wasn’t.
Strange…yes. But it also feels right, for the first time. I feel like one day, finally, the outsides might match the insides.
I spent so long pretending to be what I wasn’t, feeling like an alien in m own body, that I’m still not entirely sure how to be me – or what that even means. But I get to learn. I asked myself the hard questions, the ones I’d hidden form for so long, and I made a choice. And now I get to learn what it looks like and what it feels like to be me.
As someone who has always felt out of place, always felt like the square peg, even to myself, the possibilities are a little mind-blowing, and more than a little terrifying.
I’m grateful for all the love I have from people as I do this. I couldn’t do it alone.
Of course, there are those who have felt unable to accept or support me. I can’t change that, but I can’t hold it against them either. I can just hope that one day they’ll be in a place where they’re able to learn.
I’m in a better position than a lot of trans people find themselves. I have friends, I have some of my family, I have both my jobs and all my communities online and off, all showing support.
I still have a long questline to face, but I just passed a major checkpoint
My default position on things remains openness. Any questions, I’m always happy to answer.